Leap of Faith

[This post was originally written in October 2017]

My recent fling with anxiety saw me leave my full time job. I'd entertained the idea of working for myself for a long time. It was a familiar day dream, one I spent a lot of thinking about (even telling people about!)...I'd make the leap one day..."When I get more clients" or "When I get a new laptop" or "Oh, I need the latest pens/technology/new notebook before I can do that" or "I just need to build my folio more". There was an endless list of excuses.

A quick visit to my doctor, suddenly saw me taking three months off work to rest and get myself back on track. I'm not a stranger to depression and anxiety, but this time it was a complete curve ball. I'd worked myself into such a stressful state, over a number of months (years?) that it had started to manifest in my body, in the form of severe digestive issues.

I'd realised that I'd fallen out of love with my job. It was no longer what I wanted to be doing, and I'd lost all passion for it. I'd become miserable and not myself. My unhappiness was a slow transition, I didn't realise just how low I had become.

While I loved the people I worked with, it was the job itself I wasn't enjoying. On paper, it sounded great. When I told people what I did, I'd often hear "Wow! That's so cool!". When everyone is telling you how awesome your job is, it's hard to understand how you really feel and easy to keep slogging it out. 'Cause it's an amazing job, right?

Many hours of sleep, days on the couch (thanks, Netflix!), endless pots of tea and a lot of soul-searching, I realised it was time to move on.

I am scared? Shitless. Wondering if I'll get work, be successful or when the next paycheck will come is terrifying. But I know I have to do it. For too long, I've suppressed what I need to be doing, and it didn't do me any good.

As scared as I am, I’m also excited to to jump in the deep end (they say fear and excitement is the same thing!). I know it won’t be easy, and I’m sure i’ll fail at times. But, I’m finally following my passion and it feels so good.